The Sad Saga of my Body

Remember when I had bronchitis? Yeah, well I still do. Remember when I had a cold I got from the bronchitis? Yeah, still got that too. Remember the ear infection I also got during this fiasco? Yeah the score is Sickness University: 4, My Immune System Tech: 0.

For my ear infection, besides being seen by a nurse practitioner that was a flaky hippy with such thick braided hair that it looked like rope, I got ear drops. Now eye drops are the scourge of Satan, but ear drops don't bother me too much. I do have to lay with my ear up for about five minutes with my ear canal filled with cold, cold drops.

The only other time I've had ear drops stems from a camping incident when I was (go figure) but a wee lad. This happened before the life-changing lightsaber story. I had not intended to post ANOTHER "Little Jeremy" goes camping story, but the fates demand it. Besides, this one is shorter.

How short? How about, "Once, when I was camping, a beetle flew up my ear and attempted to burrow into my brain"? That is the Cliff Notes version, but the real version is pretty much as direct.

"Mom, a bug flew in my ear."

"Okay honey. Go help your dad get the cooler out of the car."

"What? I can't hear you, there's a bug crawling around in my ear."

"A bug really flew up your ear?"

Why would I make this up?

"Honey, get a flashlight, I think a bug flew into Jeremy's ear."

My hearing was all muffled, and the fact that the new resident of my ear canal was crawling all over the place made it both extremely uncomfortable and noisy.

I was not amused.

After my dad was sufficiently grossed out after having seen a big black beetle crawling around inside his son's head, we decided to go to the Ranger Station. Just our luck, "Tex" was on duty. I'm sure the man's real name wasn't "Tex" but trust me, he fit the profile of a man that would be called Tex.

"Yep, that's a big ol' black beetle alright, I reckon we get that sucker out of thar before she lays some eggs in thar..."

Up until this point, I had remained relatively calm. It was almost cool sharing my head cavity with another living creature. It was certainly something I would be eager to go home and share with my friends. Upon hearing about my invader's possible intentions, I was now, justifiable freaking out.

My dad didn't help. As Tex was fumbling around his pockets looking for tweezers that I was relatively sure weren't properly sanitized, my, loving, understanding father asked with childlike curiosity, "So you mean it could, like, lay thousands of eggs into his ear and then in a few days all of these baby beetles would come streaming out of his ear?"

Tex smiled, "Yep, happened to a fella up in..."

That was it, I was done. I screamed, whimpered and generally commenced hysterically freaking out.

Three pairs of tweezers later (each one getting longer and colder) the little black mother-to-be was expelled from my head. She was still alive, noticeably relieved to be freed from a screaming child's head. She flew away, and, if there is any justice in this world, hopefully was smashed against someone's windshield before the day was out. Tex was "purty sure that there weren't no babies in thar," but we cut our trip short and when home to my doctor to be sure. My head was safe, no eggs I was given some ear drops to keep things clean.

I didn't want to camp the rest of the summer.

I'm sure this wouldn't have happened if I had my lightsaber.

Stupid Dark Side beetle.

Sancho